When is life ever in control!
This morning I had an email from one of my teachers, Lawrence Akers, a Melbourne based hypnotherapist. Lawrence runs a fabulous course, Release Hypnosis, that teaches people like me how to produce useful hypnotherapy tapes for their clients. Release Hypnosis recently had its 8th birthday so it's a serious effort.
I signed up with Lawrence several years ago and attended several of his live zoom calls as well as following the Facebook course. Despite its being a great course, I still haven't done anything with it :-( Another example of how out of our control our lives can be?
Recently, Lawrence has been updating his course. (I think this was prompted by an unexpected major update in one of the pieces of free software, the use of which forms a key part of the course.) As an enrolled student, I have lifetime access, not just to the original course but also to all the updates including this latest major update. (I think this is a unique - and very generous - aspect of Lawrence's approach to online teaching. Thank you, Lawrence. )
Anyway, long story short, this email was to announce an unanticipated delay in the delivery of the update due to circumstances outwith his control.
The Control Paradox
As articulated by Lawrence in his latest email, the control paradox is that 'the more you try to control what is outside of your control (which is practically everything), the more out of control you become.'
I couldn't agree more!
And the control paradox seems to me to apply in spades to us dementia marathon folk. Our own lives are turned upside down when we hear a diagnosis of dementia. The involuntary carers amongst us are comandeered into action. It is not just the person themselves who has lost the ability they once had to control many aspects of their lives, there are unintended consequences for all those around them. Like it or not, the decision-making focus has changed and we each respond to that in our own unique way.
What To Do ...
Lawrence's answer is to focus on his values.
In relation to the course, his major value) is to create value for his students. Once he had reminded himself of the major value guiding him in this situation, the choice became clear, in this case, to delay the next instalment by one week.
I think the same applies to dementia marathoners: once we hear of the diagnosis, one of our first questions must be to ourselves. What are my values in this? What is important to me and what makes it important?
Our answers will be very different but whatever the particular answer, it will be informed by our values.
To me, this explains why some people turn away. Friends unexpectedly take leave of absence. Others, equally unexpectedly, jump in to help.
In my case, when a friend told me she had been diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia, my response was to be curious and to stand by her in whatever way was required.
I doubt I can take credit for either of these responses. The being curious about life seems to be an inbuilt trait. After all, I did end up choosing to study philosophy!
The standing by my friend seems to be an equally, if different, kind of conditioned response. The interplay of give and take, the energetic exchanges that take place in relationships, have always interested me. Put differently, I seem to have quite a streak of loyalty in my makeup.
The same two values could well be in play in another major encounter with dementia when I learned of another friend diagnosed with pre-frontal temporal dementia. Curiosity and loyalty. What is this strange neurological condition that my friend shared with Terry Pratchett? Both men of considerable intellect and imagination. My friends had been good to me in the past, now it was my turn.
Till next time, be well ...