The author is an 84 yr. old medical professional. She lives alone, has no children or close relatives and no-one close to arrange her funeral or sort through her personal belongings on her demise. She found that most of her friends were unable or unwilling, probably both, to talk about death.
With this is mind she made the decision to pre-plan her funeral in detail and dispose of some of her ‘treasures’ before her death. She never expected that, by so doing, she would become much more calm and accepting of her inevitable demise.
She has written this article in the hope that it may assist others to cope with this inevitable event.
Death is something most of us fear. So should we prepare for it and, if so, how?
Let me introduce myself. An 84 years old retired, single, “medical” woman I live alone in a large home. I have no partner, no close relatives and all of my friends are of the same age as myself - too old to be burdened with the responsibility of arranging my funeral, coping with the financial responsibilities of death, clearing out my house and sorting out my many and varied belongings. I was recently diagnosed with a tumour on and in my spinal cord. This diagnosis ‘knocked me for a six”. It made me feel old, vulnerable and on borrowed time.
What to do?
Just prior to the coronavirus lockdown I had commenced my autobiography. Although I commenced this book as a normal autobiography when I realized I was not only pre digital, pre TV, pre most electric household gadgets but also - horror!- pre refrigerator I was appalled; I decided to turn my life story into a social history of those years. I found writing my story somewhat confronting; on occasions I was in tears as I wrote. I pursued and about eight months into our first lock-down had completed my first draft. I needed a rest from writing.
I have always done depressing jobs on depressing days - seems to me they go together! What to do in the lockdown? I looked around at my large home and its many and varied contents; stamp collection, coin collection, medals, medallions, books, records, tapes, DVD’s, CD’s, paintings - the list went on and on. My numerous interests had resulted in a large collection of ‘stuff’! I decided it would be unfair to ask anyone to sort through this ‘stuff’. Being a perfectionist I like ‘things’ to go without a hitch. I certainly do not want the sorting out and distribution of my belongings and my funeral to be ‘hitched’!
I therefore decided I would re-view my will and legal requirements, go through all of my belongings - yes the lot - and arrange my funeral. I realized this would be time-consuming and somewhat confronting. What I did not realize is HOW time-consuming and confronting!
I am not a deeply religious person. I consider religion the most successful marketing project ever undertaken! However, I do believe there is some sort of ‘God’. I do not believe in the Darwin Theory; therefore either someone or something has created us humans. Having held the hand of people as they passed I have always envied those who were deeply religious and had no fear of passing; indeed, in many cases, were looking forward to dying. I do not have that belief.
I therefore confronted my inevitable demise not so much with fear as trepidation and concern. Will I go to Heaven - indeed if there is such a place. Will St Peter greet me at ‘The Pearly Gates’? Will he let me in? Is there an after-life? If so what is it and how does it work? Surely there is not sufficient space up there in heaven for all those who have died; but, if you believe in re-incarnation, I guess as a deceased person is re-incarnated space is created! Does ‘God’ re-create people as animals? The questions go on and on.
These were questions I wrestled with as I made arrangements for my funeral. I decided I wanted to plan my funeral in detail. What an undertaking! Where do you want to be buried? What type of service - grave-side or church? What music? Coffin or casket. Surprisingly I confronted a ‘fashion’ problem. What clothes do I wish to be buried in? As I have decided to not have an open coffin you might say why does it matter? Well it matters to me. I do wish to ‘go out’ in some semblance of sartorial splendor! I went on the inter-net and viewed bodies in coffins in all sorts of array; from formal clothes and wedding frocks to jeans, workwear and other ridiculous (to me) attire. I got the giggles - how silly some of them looked; so inappropriate I thought. But appropriate to them; and that is all that really matters. Your burial is so final and so personal. All the more reason for planning it yourself before you leave - right down to the small decisions like what to be buried in, what type of service and what music.
As I went through this decision making I was still asking questions about religion, after-life and, most of all, about myself. How was I feeling about this process? As I previously said I had commenced the task somewhat apprehensive and ill-at-ease; amazingly as I progressed through all of this time-consuming discussion and decision I became more content - less challenged.
Once when sitting with a patient holding her hand as she died I saw a white, sphecteral figure leave her body and float up into the ether. I was amazed - I am a non-believer! How could I possibly have ‘viewed’ the soul leaving the body? I adored my paternal grandmother and have a strong desire to ‘see’ her again; the thought that there is an after-life therefore appeals to me. After mulling over this for some months I have decided that there is an after-life, I will see my adored grandmother again. This gives me great comfort. I therefore approach my inevitable demise without fear. Still apprehensive - but without fear. I find that most comforting.
After months of enquiries and communication I am now close to having settled what funeral director, where to be buried, church or graveside, coffin or casket, open or closed, what music, what to wear, how many copies of the service, what flowers, how to transport my body from the city to the country for burial, who is doing the eulogy, where to have ‘the funerial baked meats’, where to advertise the event, what type of grave, what material, what color, what design, what inscription. Do not ever think that funeral arrangements are not time-consuming and confronting. They are! It reinforces my original belief that it is not fair, nor wise, to leave these arrangements to others. They are too personal and onerous to expect others to do.
I am amazed! Amazed that my original fear and apprehension has largely disappeared. I now feel prepared to face death. No, I am not looking forward to it; I still have lots of music to listen to, flowers to grow, books to read and animals to love, but the fear has gone. ‘Comfortable’ is probably the word that best describes how I feel about my inevitable death. I believe that all of the decisions I have had to make about my funeral arrangements and burial have led to me reaching this state.
If you have questions, fear or misapprehension about death I suggest you perhaps undertake the process I did. You can either do it alone or talk it over with family and/or friends; either way you will get what you want.
Oh, and always have an animal. Always have an animal.
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