What is unnecessary suffering?

You probably have your own way of looking at suffering. Buddhists, for example, see suffering as a necessary part of life, something that none of us can escape.

And I would agree with that. However, as I look around, I also see plenty of suffering that could be avoided if only people showed a little more kindness, basic common sense, or empathy for others.

But there are also many occasions when, once we've learned that something doesn't agree with us, in other words, that it causes us suffering, then we can choose something else. For example, if we know from experience that too much coffee makes us jittery, we can choose not to drink coffee or limit the number of times we drink coffee each day. .

How can learning about attachment styles help us avoid unneccesary suffering?

A person's attachment style is about the way they tend to relate to others. This can often be influenced by what we have perceived to happen to us when we were babies or toddlers. For example, a mother may find she has to have an emergency cesarean instead of the natural birh she anticipated. She may be able to take this in her stride but for some women and their babies, the effects of this may linger and affect their attachment style.

Mothers and babies who take this in their stride probably feel securely attached to each other. But some may start to wonder when the next 'disaster'will strike and what precautions they can take; other babies may feel they have been deserted by their mother in their hour of need and become anxious for the future. For other mothers, having a baby, a happy occasion, and having a caesar, a painful occasion, may become so closely fused in their experience that they find themselves looking at their new baby wih a horrifying mixture of attraction and repulsion.

4 attachment styles

It is generally agreed that there are 4 attachment styles - secure, avoidant, anxious and disorganised. They may be given different names depending on whether we are noticing them in children or adults. But they basically refer to the same thing and they each have their pros and cons.

Secure Attachment. We are all born with the capacity for secure attachment. When we are securely attached we can be comfortable with the other person as well as when we are on our own.

Dr Stan Tatkin, a couple expert, has coined the term 'couple bubble' to refer to the support that a securely attached couple can give each other. Each knows that the other person can be relied on when needed but if the other person is not available, they are able to self-soothe in the interim.

Avoidant Attachment. A person who is avoidant may have been let down repeatedly. Or interpreted their experience as being let down or abandonned. For example, a toddler who has been left to cry may end up feeling that their mother or father is insensitive to them while the parent is hoping that the child will be able to self-soothe, something we all need to learn at some point. But the child with the avoidant response may conclude that no-one cares and therefore, they need to do 'everything' for themselves. They may become overly independent, refusing help when it is offered.

Dr Diane Poole Heller, who has made a lifelong study of attachment behaviour, recommends that avoidents may start to heal their attachment wound wih the 'Kind Eyes' exercise. You can read about it here: https://dianepooleheller.com/avoidant-kind-eyes-exercise/ or watch a video: https://dianepooleheller.com/video-kind-eyes-exercise-with-diane/.

Anxious Attachment. Unlike a person with an avoidant style, an anxiously attached person may look for constant reassurance that they are loved. It's as if there's never enough. If you recognise this feeling in yourelf or in someone with whom you are in a close relationship, then you probably need to practice noticing when good things are actually happening!

Disorganised Attachment. The most difficult attachment style to cope wih is disorganized because the person affect is both attracted and repelled at the same time. A common example would be domestic violence where the person you would naturally expect to look to for protection and support is the very person who is causing you grief by deliberately hurting you.

Attachment and Dementia

Dr Diane Poole Heller, in a recent online training on attachment, reminds us that there is research that indicates that as we age, we are more likely to experience our attachment wounds. In other words, we may well find that our typical behaviour with others becomes a little more rigid and more pronounced: avoidant folk may feel themselves even more abandonned and forced to go it alone; anxious folk may become even more demanding of their partner's attention and demonstrations ofa.

When dementia is added to the mix, this adds to the confusion. Those who have enjoyed a secure relationship may feel deeply the loss of their 'go to' person as the 'couple bubble' loses potency and resilience.

As a carer, you may feel baffled and frustrated when your loved one refuses to listen to reason. It has often been remarked that there is no way you can win an argument with a person who has dementia.

Next steps?

There are no easy answers and I certainly don't know what your next step is. Hopefully, you may find it helpful to reflect on the brief information I have given about what attachment styles look like in the 'real world'. From reflection comes understanding and from understanding may come a greater capacity to cope with what are inevitably some of the most difficult situations that we can encounter in life. And with an enhanced capacity to cope, will hopefully come a lessening of the suffering we experience in our relationships due to misunderstandings.

A good start is to be a little bit more self aware and to realise that not everyone sees the world the same way as we do.

Whether or not we are in a carer role, we are all human.

It is very easy to misunderstand other people. And our different attachment styles can easily fuel the fire.